Reading to Krishnamurti (in Tradition and Revolution) I realize the futility of analyzing things psychologically. This conclusion in this regard is not because I have understood the whole movement of what it means to think, analyze, reflect, etc., but it arises from the few and almost null results that I have obtained from analyzing myself. Blind, I realize things by colliding with them and understand "blindness" precisely because of everything that moves around...
Even with the warning that the analysis would not be adequate to uncover ignorance, many times (if not all) the absence of results (understanding, or whatever) has led me to think that the intellect was again used to reach a point, obtaining a pitiful conclusion and invisibly already predetermined.
There are processes, elements and psychic behaviors of mine that are very well seen and reflected, so sometimes it was extremely strange that, knowing their internal mechanism, I could not take another step in their understanding (I argue that " hit the mark ", truly understand something, feels in the chest as a liberation, a lightness, as when someone goes to a natural place and breathes fresh air and a calm environment). I could say that I have thrown ten years in the trash (I have been with the model of "meditating", analyzing and avoiding analyzing for a long time), but this would not be entirely true either.
I have analyzed and recreated scenes to the point of becoming a true martyrdom, but without any global understanding of the topic addressed (what has now been cataloged as "analysis", that super minute approach, has led me to the path of decisions and to choose, topic maybe to tell in another post). This meant enormous wear at some times. In the course of many years I faced so much a certain terrible fear, for example, that in the following weeks I emerged a kind of phobia if I thought about taking up the same analysis and coming to the same recreation. Everything backwards!
You put the spider in your hand, add more spiders (to the point of living with them) so that the final result is still "spider phobia." It is something rare and tragicomic.
Then I realized that my approach (from analysis and intellect) should not have been carried out in that way. That is, thought cannot analyze thought. Moreover, thought is incompatible to approach oneself, touch oneself, see oneself, contact.
Once, while I was meditating, I reached a point where I could not get ahead of myself, that is, there was nothing else ahead. As I recall, it was a strange feeling, because it was not that "the wall" marked a limit and, by doing the right thing, I could overcome it: the wall marked an end, but a real end. What I felt was that, doing what I was doing, I had placed myself at a point where there was nothing else. I continued with all the same, incomplete and yet, just as I was, there was no more to do. There was nothing else. Not that I had already achieved everything, but that there was no more to do. I felt (how not!) Helpless. I wrote about it and called it "The blank wall or about the exploration of the Ego" (1st part and 2nd part). Months later I had a partial flash that the intellect is limited. Today I am clear too. You cannot create a river with a bucket of water or face the psychological I with the intellect. The hammer is taken with the hands and the Ego, well, not with the thought...
Then I reread a text where Jiddu Krishnamurti talks about perception and he asks if it is possible to see oneself without the word and without the past. I do not know if it is possible in me (clearly it has not been until today), but I realize that I have not done even the most basic and elementary (I must also recognize that it is tremendously difficult to do it): self-observe with freshness and no fixed points.
Krishnamurti says that by analyzing, using the intellect, the emerged data is structured in knowledge and that (apparently) knowledge does not produce any kind of understanding or liberation (it does not affirm it sharply, leaving an open door). I have this "known". Moreover, if there were "Krishnamurti University" and the exams would take this concept I would get an 8 (?). However, with this immense "finger pointing to the Moon" I again stared at the finger. Until now.
I understand the blank wall that I have been encountering all this time. The blank wall meant that the intellectual section, with all its good qualities, has been exhausted in all its splendor, having reached a particular point. I threw all the water I could in the groove with the bucket and, wanting to make a river, I only wet the earth. You can not more by that way. It's obvious. I neither have to grab the bucket, nor do I have to fill it with water, nor do I have to throw anything in any groove. Rivers are not born that way.
I must admit that I don't have the palest idea about what it means to "look without the past." But I don't want to move forward anymore. I sincerely wish to find out what this ignorance is about, to discover its form and its limit, how is the darkness of not knowing and seeing for myself if there is delight or not in that something is not structured in "knowledge".
I have found that the blank wall means that the intellect does not serve certain levels. Everything that was useful in it has been used and, at the edge of the shore, it is no longer useful for any new elaboration or approach. It is also not that I am overflowing with happiness, but, really, I am quite satisfied with the feeling of this ignorance. I don't know, I have no idea, I'm in the dark.
 |
| White brick wall, piqsels.com. |
Even with the warning that the analysis would not be adequate to uncover ignorance, many times (if not all) the absence of results (understanding, or whatever) has led me to think that the intellect was again used to reach a point, obtaining a pitiful conclusion and invisibly already predetermined.
There are processes, elements and psychic behaviors of mine that are very well seen and reflected, so sometimes it was extremely strange that, knowing their internal mechanism, I could not take another step in their understanding (I argue that " hit the mark ", truly understand something, feels in the chest as a liberation, a lightness, as when someone goes to a natural place and breathes fresh air and a calm environment). I could say that I have thrown ten years in the trash (I have been with the model of "meditating", analyzing and avoiding analyzing for a long time), but this would not be entirely true either.
I have analyzed and recreated scenes to the point of becoming a true martyrdom, but without any global understanding of the topic addressed (what has now been cataloged as "analysis", that super minute approach, has led me to the path of decisions and to choose, topic maybe to tell in another post). This meant enormous wear at some times. In the course of many years I faced so much a certain terrible fear, for example, that in the following weeks I emerged a kind of phobia if I thought about taking up the same analysis and coming to the same recreation. Everything backwards!
You put the spider in your hand, add more spiders (to the point of living with them) so that the final result is still "spider phobia." It is something rare and tragicomic.
Then I realized that my approach (from analysis and intellect) should not have been carried out in that way. That is, thought cannot analyze thought. Moreover, thought is incompatible to approach oneself, touch oneself, see oneself, contact.
Once, while I was meditating, I reached a point where I could not get ahead of myself, that is, there was nothing else ahead. As I recall, it was a strange feeling, because it was not that "the wall" marked a limit and, by doing the right thing, I could overcome it: the wall marked an end, but a real end. What I felt was that, doing what I was doing, I had placed myself at a point where there was nothing else. I continued with all the same, incomplete and yet, just as I was, there was no more to do. There was nothing else. Not that I had already achieved everything, but that there was no more to do. I felt (how not!) Helpless. I wrote about it and called it "The blank wall or about the exploration of the Ego" (1st part and 2nd part). Months later I had a partial flash that the intellect is limited. Today I am clear too. You cannot create a river with a bucket of water or face the psychological I with the intellect. The hammer is taken with the hands and the Ego, well, not with the thought...
Then I reread a text where Jiddu Krishnamurti talks about perception and he asks if it is possible to see oneself without the word and without the past. I do not know if it is possible in me (clearly it has not been until today), but I realize that I have not done even the most basic and elementary (I must also recognize that it is tremendously difficult to do it): self-observe with freshness and no fixed points.
Krishnamurti says that by analyzing, using the intellect, the emerged data is structured in knowledge and that (apparently) knowledge does not produce any kind of understanding or liberation (it does not affirm it sharply, leaving an open door). I have this "known". Moreover, if there were "Krishnamurti University" and the exams would take this concept I would get an 8 (?). However, with this immense "finger pointing to the Moon" I again stared at the finger. Until now.
I understand the blank wall that I have been encountering all this time. The blank wall meant that the intellectual section, with all its good qualities, has been exhausted in all its splendor, having reached a particular point. I threw all the water I could in the groove with the bucket and, wanting to make a river, I only wet the earth. You can not more by that way. It's obvious. I neither have to grab the bucket, nor do I have to fill it with water, nor do I have to throw anything in any groove. Rivers are not born that way.
I must admit that I don't have the palest idea about what it means to "look without the past." But I don't want to move forward anymore. I sincerely wish to find out what this ignorance is about, to discover its form and its limit, how is the darkness of not knowing and seeing for myself if there is delight or not in that something is not structured in "knowledge".
I have found that the blank wall means that the intellect does not serve certain levels. Everything that was useful in it has been used and, at the edge of the shore, it is no longer useful for any new elaboration or approach. It is also not that I am overflowing with happiness, but, really, I am quite satisfied with the feeling of this ignorance. I don't know, I have no idea, I'm in the dark.
Text originally written on February 18, 2016.
Comments
Post a Comment